Control vs. Communication

Many people think controlling people is what communication is for.

Salesmen are taught “communication courses” to get people to buy their products.

Yet, a really great salesman, a personal friend, does twice as well as most other salesmen, because he uses communication to communicate rather than to control.

Think about a time you felt pressured by someone? How did that affect your attitude?

Think about a time someone lied to you? How did that affect your attitude?

Pressure and lies are not communication. They are attempts to control.

In any situation simply ask yourself, is there a choice or is there not. If not, it’s a control situation. If there is a choice it’s a communi-cation situation.

In control situations:

       Control is rigid.

       The outcome is mandatory.

       You do what’s necessary.

       The outcome is determined at the beginning.

In communication situations:

       Communication is flexible.

       The outcome is open.

       You help create a solution.

       The outcome is determined at the end.

Has anyone every tried to manipulate you with communication? You know how it feels when it is done covertly.

When control is necessary: Be overt.

In a control situation, you say, “In this case, the outcome is mandatory. So, let’s talk about how we can get it done.” What is to be done is firm. How to get it done may be flexible.

Principles In a Control Situation:

Controller:

       Decides on a demand.

       Make the demand very clear.

       Make sure the other understands the demand.

       Make sure other is capable of carrying out the demand.

       Make sure there is adequate time to carry out the demand.

       Make sure you have the power and resources to enforce

              the demand

       (Associates and friends are your major resource.)

       Make sure you are firm with your intention and follow your

              own rules.

       Make sure you are consistent and predictable.

       Take full responsibility for the results of your actions.

Controlee:

       Make sure that you understand the demand.

       Make sure that you understand the purpose of the demand.

       Make sure you understand how the demand applies to you.

       Make sure that you understand the consequences of the

              demand.

       Figure out if you are capable of complying with the demand.

       Choose to accept or reject the demand, by your own personal

              choice.

       Accept any consequences.

If you choose to accept the demand:

       Find out everything you can about the situation.

       Figure out the easiest, quickest, and best way to accomplish the

              demand.

       Get it over with and go on to something else.

If you choose to reject the demand:

       Further choose one of the following:

       Fight it. Make your own demand.

       Disregard it. Don’t comply and see what happens.

       Avoid it. Put yourself in a different position outside the arena.

© Joseph Belotte 1999

Also see    Essentials    Survey    Helping    Communicator