I wonder if you may consider yourself a "people pleaser"?
I'd like to tell you a story. It will take about four minutes to tell, and I think you will find it very meaningful. But, if you don’t want to read it, that’s okay also. You can skip it by clicking here. Otherwise, you can continue to read my story.
There is a neighbor of mine down the street. His name is Harry. He was a good neighbor. In fact, he was a meticulous fellow. He always kept up his property nicely, kept his yard trim, raked his leaves promptly, mowed his lawn weekly in the summer. He was friendly, and we talked once and a while. He seemed like a nice fellow.
There was a time several years ago when he took himself to Sears and bought a new lawn mower. His old lawn mower had finally quit on him, so he put out the dough to get a new one. He picked it up after work and took it home, dumped the box in his driveway, opened it up, and set about putting it together.
Well, sometimes it just isn't that easy. He had hoped to do it quickly, get it together and cut the grass before dinner. He thought that he could do it without reading the instruction manual. However, it was a lot more complicated than he thought and before he got very far his wife called him for dinner.
So, he went back out after dinner, took the manual and worked his way through all the instructions and got the lawn mower all put together and loaded with gas--- just before the sun went down.
That was okay, he thought. He would cut the grass tomorrow night.
Later that evening he got a call from his neighbor, Bill, from across the street. "Hey, Harry, I saw that you got a new lawn mower. I wonder if you would mind if I borrowed it from you tomorrow. Mine is in sad shape and I'd really appreciate it if you could do me that favor."
Well, it was true that Bill's yard looked really bad. He never really took good care of it. So Harry thought, "What the heck, I can mow my grass Saturday morning," and agreed to loan Bill the mower. It didn't sit altogether right with him. It was a brand new mower, and he hadn't even tried it out himself yet. He was really looking forward to mowing his own lawn, but that hadn't happened, and he did want to be a good neighbor.
Bill came over and took the mower back to his house. Harry watched it go with mixed feelings. He was being a good neighbor. Bill's yard needed it worse than his. But, well, he could do his the following day, on Saturday.
Friday, Bill got home late, finished mowing the grass in the dark, and went in without returning the mower to Harry. Harry saw him out there mowing in the dark and rather than interrupting, figured he would pick up the mower next morning.
Saturday came bright and early, Harry got up, dressed in his work clothes, and went across the street to get his mower.
Bright and early was apparently a little brighter and earlier than Bill's family got up on Saturday. When Harry went to ring the door buzzer he noticed that the house was quiet. There were no lights on. Not a sound came from the house. Apparently everyone, including the kids, were still asleep. So he hesitated. He thought about it. He didn't feel comfortable waking them up. And he decided to get other Saturday chores done and come back later in the day for the mower. There was still plenty of time.
So, he put on his street clothes and went out shopping.
On the way home, around noontime, the weather changed, and it started to rain. "Darn. Not fun mowing the grass in the rain. Hope it dries out by tomorrow."
Sunday he didn't make the mistake of going across the street too early. He waited until about 9:45. As he started out the door he saw Bill and family just pulling out of the driveway in their Sunday go-to-church clothes.
Now, he could have hollered, "Hey, hold it a minute. Let me get my mower before you leave." But, he didn't.
Three o'clock Sunday afternoon he got his lawn mower back. Bill said, "Thank-you, thank-you, thank-you, that was really nice of you to let me borrow it. I don't know what I would have done without it." Harry said, "Thank-you, thank-you, thank-you, that was really nice of you to bring it back. I am glad to see that it worked for you." And, Harry went out to mow his lawn.
So, did he get his lawn mowed? Not exactly. Two passes across the front and the mower ran out of gas. Bill had used up the tank and hadn't refilled. Harry popped into the car and headed for the gas station thinking very nasty thoughts all the way.
As he finished mowing his lawn he was an angry man the whole time. He didn't stop thinking about it for the rest of the day.
That evening he went back over to Bill’s and told him off, letting him know everything he did wrong, and hasn't spoken to him since. And he continued to tell everyone else how bad a neighbor Bill was every time he got a chance.
A couple of years later, when I had heard the story for the third time, I got tired of hearing it and asked him, "How did you betray yourself?" He said, "Betray myself? I didn't betray myself. I stood up for myself. I went over there and told him off good and proper."
I rephrased my question. "Did you do something that you didn't want to?"
"Did I! I didn't want to loan him the lawn mower in the first place."
I asked: "Did you refrain from doing something that you wanted to do?"
"Did I! Twice! I didn't wake him up so I could get the mower. I didn't stop him from going to church Sunday morning."
I asked: "Did you put someone else ahead of yourself--- when you really didn't want to?"
"Sure did! And I will never do it again." (A serious people pleaser will do it again.)
"So, then, why did you betray yourself?"
"Betray myself? Oh. Well… I don't know."
I asked: "What were you expecting?"
"I expected him to get the mower back to me himself. And, to put gas in it. And to be a good neighbor."
I asked: "What were you assuming?"
"Well, I was assuming that a good neighbor would do that."
"Under all conditions, no matter what?"
"Well…"
I asked: "What were you planning on?"
"Just to get my lawn cut, I guess."
"And whose fault was it that you didn't?"
He didn't answer. He didn't have to. It wasn't long after that he invited Bill and his family over for a barbecue.
People Pleasers are usually nice, quiet, polite people. However, too much people pleasing coupled with too much frustration and aggravation in life often ends up in blowups, usually way out of proportion to the problem. It isn't a problem they are blowing up about. It is the long chain of problems that they created by their people-pleasing.
Check it out. Think of people you have given in to too many times and the resentment it caused. You think that they betrayed you, but the truth is that you may have done it to yourself.
Life is full of compromise. A certain amount of compromise is an absolute necessity. You are fully capable of compromising, as necessary, to get what you want. But, when you make erroneous assumptions and have unreal expectations, as this man did, and are a People-Pleaser, you can easily go over your (own) line. When you go over that line, compromise becomes self-betrayal. And self-betrayal, especially repetitive, persistent self betrayal, almost always ends up in a blow-up of some sort.
What is the lesson here?
Compromising over your line of tolerance, otherwise called self betrayal, will cause resentment, anger and blow-ups. Typically, the other person is blamed, and the resentment can go on for life. It is brought about by People-Pleasing, erroneous assumptions and unreal expectations. You hope to get something out of it. You have some sort of plan. You betray yourself in any manner of ways hoping to acquire what you want. And, when it fails, you blame the other person, become angry and resentful.
It is a horrible mess to get into, but you can avoid getting into it when you understand the principles.
MAJOR SOURCES OF ANGER AND RESENTMENT
The following outline will help you pinpoint the specific things that you yourself do that set you up for being angry. Look over the list below, and think about it. You may discover that you have more to do with it than you thought. Discovering that, you’ll gain a lot more control.
EXAMPLES OF SELF-BETRAYAL
1. Things that you did that you didn't want to do.
2. Things you did NOT do (or refrained from) that you wanted to do.
3. Things you permitted or allowed against your better judgment.
4. Decisions you made to put someone else ahead of yourself--when you really didn't want to.
5. Things you did for the person you got angry at--that you really didn't want to.
6. Things you DID that you thought you shouldn't have done at the time.
7. Things you did NOT do (or refrained from) that you thought you should have done at the time.
8. Things you intended to do that you put off and didn't do.
9. Things you DID that you had intended NOT to do.
SET-UPS FOR SELF-BETRAYAL
1. Things you were planning on.
2. Things you expected.
3. Things you assumed.
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Would you like to look into this further? If so, click here
for a full “People-Pleasers Self-Betrayal Assessment.”
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For more information or help with anger problems, click here.
Copyright Joseph Belotte 1983, 2003
All rights reserved
