This story has a very happy ending.
11/20/2014
Although I always tried to be a model patient and help my wife Karen in any way I could, suddenly she started getting mad at me. I never knew when she would attack me and tell me what a horrible person I was. (NT)
At first, I argued and tried to explain that I hadn’t done that or it wasn’t that way, but got nowhere, and I finally gave up and kept everything to myself.
These sudden outbursts didn’t stop and I fussed and fussed at Karen under my breath for several months. She said such terrible things about me and it hurt me so badly. I couldn't deal with it and I couldn't get over it and I was miserable. Why would she do that to me?
It started out with "How can you be so irresponsible" when I just asked her when she wanted me to do something. She accused me of insulting someone---more than once. She called me a liar. This also happened more than once, and she accused me of making up stories. But it kept getting worse until it finally became, "Marrying you was the worst mistake I ever made in my entire life."
Yet it didn't stop there. Anytime I did any little thing that upset her she let me know how she felt about me. It was horrible. How could she possibly live with me when she felt that way about me? “Because she had made a commitment.” That's what she said. That was the reason.
Because I wanted to die happy, and because I'm me, I kept working on myself. On the one hand I kept trying to justify her; and on the other hand, I kept fussing, wanting her to hurt as badly as I did.
As I said, it went on for many months. A simple question like when she was shooting at a target range with her son and I asked, "Can I come along and watch?" and she let me know in no uncertain terms that she didn't want me as part of (“encroaching on”) her life.
However, and this is the very important message here, I had started writing "the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth" as a method of purging my mind and solving my problems, hoping that there was some unknown whole truth that might be discovered that would settle this for me. There was. And it did.
Yes, over a long period of months she would suddenly get angry with me and tell me what she thought of me. That was true.
It truly hurt me very badly and I couldn't get it out of my mind. That was true.
Eventually, I wanted her to hurt as badly as I did. That was true.
But then, one evening, while I was still up and she was in bed, "the whole truth" popped up in my head as I had hoped it would.
I wanted her to hurt. That was true. But she didn't want me to hurt. That was the whole truth.
All those things she said were said in anger. There was no intention there. She was reacting to some other issues of her own. It had nothing to do with me. But I took it personally.
She was just angry, and said some horrible things. But, it wasn't to make me hurt. That was not in her mind. That was the whole truth that I had to discover in order to let it go.
So now, it’s gone. I care about her deeply and I could never imagine ever wanting her to hurt again. Our relationship has become perfect for my end of life.
Why am I telling you all this? Because there is an important major lesson here. This was a huge problem for me and it lasted for months. And it was solved by constantly looking for the missing part, the whole truth. QB
I am not unique. If this worked for me, on this truly huge problem, it certainly can work for someone else.
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P.S. I want to be sure that I have made the following clear. Karen has been under extreme stress. It’s difficult enough for a nurse to care for a patient 24/7, but so much more difficult for a wife to care for a dying husband 24/7 -- and continue to do that year after year. Add to that a brother who is dying of leukemia and a nephew who was more recently diagnosed with lymphoma. She had far too much on her plate and was way over extended. If anyone could be excused for losing it and getting angry now and then it would be her.
P.P.S. By the way, marrying her was one of the very best decisions I ever made in my entire life.
